


Bottling Things Up

by BlackPrism



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: All try to put the others first, Alternate Universe - Swapfell, Alternate Universe - Underswap, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, No Ecto-Penis (Undertale), No Smut, Reader-Insert, Swapfell Papyrus - Freeform, Underswap Alphys - Freeform, Underswap Sans, and that's why you don't bottle things up kids, but you have to take care of yourself too, reader has no gender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 08:41:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12678393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackPrism/pseuds/BlackPrism
Summary: Living together was calm and comfortable.But even in a warm relationship, that just feels like home, you can‘t help but have your own little secrets, your own problems. Your own things that make your insides shiver and that you hid from the others, even if they didn‘t let you sleep at night.Where you and some skeletons discover that it's not ok to bottle everything up.One day, you just can't do that anymore.One day you break down.





	Bottling Things Up

**Author's Note:**

> For a lovely person over at Tumblr.  
> For missingidentity-artist! Enjoy <3
> 
> I write things on Tumblr, and can write things for you too if you want to: https://bonelynomore.tumblr.com/

You met Blue and Rus so many months ago, all three of you instantly feeling a connection after you barely spend any time together. And only a few weeks later you found yourself in a cuddle pile with the two skeletons, watching TV, eating snacks, listening to Blue ramble on and on about something, Rus moving out of the way of the blueberries flailing arms.

It was a content kind of living afterward, you three moving in together after some more time. A small, but nicely furnished flat in New Home. 

Blues brother brought over some random knick-knacks for decoration and lounged around the place for a while, while Rus brother helped Blue carry the furniture. Sometimes the furniture had Stretch on it. Sometimes he was asleep.

But in the end the flat was done, the water was warm, the heating worked, the electricity made no problems and the carpet was incredibly soft on top of shiny, wooden floors.

Living together was calm and comfortable. Blue cooked and cleaned, you did the laundry and both you and Rus went shopping for groceries. 

But even in a warm relationship, that just feels like home, you can‘t help but have your own little secrets, your own problems. Your own things that make your insides shiver and that you hid from the others, even if they didn‘t let you sleep at night.

______

Rus groaned the moment he surfaced into the waking world from a dream he couldn‘t remember. Each morning the same thing, each morning the same old.

He turned onto his side, even though he knew sleep wouldn‘t come again, sighing. Mornings were always the worst, always the one part of the day he hated the most.

Usually, he hid under a heavy blanket of apathy, able to ignore the way his chest felt empty and numb, the way his soul turned cold. But mornings, right after waking up, where a time he was still to muddled from sleep to show all those feelings away, hide them in the back of his head, pretend that he was chill, that he was calm, that everything was alright.

Pretend that things mattered, that he mattered.

„goddammit“, Rus covered his eyes with his arm, muttering under his breath. He was glad as usual, that he was always the last one to wake up, you and Blue not seeing him before he got his shit back together. 

Opening his eye sockets a crack, Rus looked at the large bed he was lying on, you two already up and about, he still drowsy from sleep. He buried his face in one of the pillows, breathing in the scent of the two people he loved. He loved those nights you three slept together in one bed, tangled limbs, and sleepy cuddles before you all feel asleep.

„up we go...“, Rus sighed again, and in contrast to his words, rolled out of bed onto the floor, landing on the carpeted floor face first, losing the energy to properly get up mid-motion.  
„ouch.“

A normal morning indeed.

______

Blue woke up first, like every morning, this one not being different from the previous ones, jumping out of bed quietly and covering you and Rus with your blankets, tucking you in properly again before giving you both a feathery kiss on the forehead.

Blue liked the early mornings where it seemed like the world outside didn‘t exist like he was the only person awake. Where this little, warm and cozy apartment was the entire world, bathed in orange light.

Where he didn‘t have to put on a smile all the time.

He always played the overly happy, the overly energetic one. Always pretending to be innocent and childish. Of course, he had a mature side himself, and even though he had incredible amounts of energy, he still had his limits. He was a pretty happy skeleton on his good days, only having to keep up a smiling mask on the bad ones. 

Waking up each morning was like throwing a coin, you never knew what you would get, sometimes you good head, sometimes you got tails.

Good days were getting rarer since his nightmares started. Vague shapes, a high pitched laugh, white paws. They were happening more and more often, making him skip on sleep out of fear of waking up bathed in cold sweat again.  
Sometimes he just stayed up all night, but mostly he napped for short times, too short to dream, to short to have nightmares, to short to be afraid. 

He always told everybody he didn‘t need a lot of sleep, but he was getting more and more exhausted, just feeling so tired, just wanting to sleep but too scared to close his eyes for a proper rest.

But what he feared more than the nightmares themselves, was you two finding out about them.

He was only good at lifting peoples moods, if he dragged them down with his problems...he wouldn‘t know what to do with himself. He was just glad that people believed him when he told them he was such an amazing person, that they smiled at his positive attitude.

Maybe one day he would be able to completely believe his own words, all the time, every day.

But that early in the morning he didn‘t have to keep up his appearance. No matter if it was a good one, or a bad one, he always followed his small ritual right after waking up.

He fished out his comfortable, ratty old sweater, cringing a bit at its state, always wondering what made this one so special. He would never wear another piece of clothing that was so worn and had so many stains that never came out.

Clad in soft wool, Blue sat in the kitchen, quietly, face somber, nursing a mug of strong coffee, every morning, every time he woke up. 

He just needed that moment of quiet, where he could be himself no matter what, where he could give in to the urge to just let himself fall into a low mood.

 

He always smiled a bit when he remembered how Rus and you kept wondering how he managed to keep bouncing around all day, every day. He was very energized but only strong, bitter disgusting coffee and a moment of solitude where what kept him going through the day. What helped him keep on his mask.

He took one long gulp from his mug, grimacing at the taste, but feeling strangely alive through the disgusting flavor that flooded his mouth and lingered for hours.

A normal morning indeed.

______

You usually woke up somewhere between the other two, Rus always slept longer than you, no matter how early or late he went to bed, and no matter how early or late you got up the next morning, he was always still asleep. This morning wasn‘t different from the previous one, Rus snoring next to you quietly as you opened your eyes.

Blue, on the other hand, was always up earlier than you two. The only time you ever woke up before him was when you got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, seeing your bonefriend asleep next to you as you opened your eyes, for the first time since you started sharing a bed.

It is still one of your favorite memories. He looked so content, so peaceful, hugging you as you crawled back into bed.

You went to take a shower, sometimes wanting to freshen up in the morning, and today just felt like a morning-shower day.  
Not a bad start to this day.

You brushed your teeth, avoiding the mirror mostly. You didn‘t exactly hate yourself, there was something you did like about how you looked. But there was always something about your body that you couldn‘t get yourself to like. Especially your size has bothered you for a long time.

You washed out your mouth with water, leaving the bathroom, trying not to think about it. You wanted to get things done today after all...

Not like most days...

You shook your head, trying to clear your thoughts. You helped clean the flat yesterday, that‘s something...right?

Blue interrupted your slowly downwards spiraling thoughts, calling from the kitchen as he heard your steps in the living room.

„DATEFRIEND? BREAKFAST IS READY, PLEASE SIT DOWN AND TRY MY MAGNIFICENT PANCAKES!“, you smiled at hearing him yell from the kitchen.  
He was always yelling, always smiling. You admired him for that.  
He didn‘t let his thoughts drag him down.

You sat down at the table in the small kitchen that smelled like charred dough and caramelized sugar.  
He has gotten slightly better at cooking, you haven‘t had to call the fire department for almost five weeks in a row now. And the amount of smoke was considerably less than before.

„Thanks“, you took a plate loaded with pancakes and sprinkled with edible glitter. It took some talking to make him switch from regular glitter to this, and both you and Rus were very glad about that change.

Blue placed another plate full of pancakes into the fridge and sat down with his own, you two always eating without Rus in the morning, but leaving something for him to munch on after he finally woke up.

You both ate in comfortable silence, but you both noticed something odd about this morning. For Blue, it was the fact that you seemed...unsatisfied. Antsy. Your eyes often unfocusing, and your eyebrows knitting together.

„LOVEPAL? IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?“, he couldn‘t help but ask to make sure. He wanted you to be happy, wanted to make you happy.

You nodded with your mouth full of pancakes, swallowing the rather bland and slightly burned dough. „Yes, everything‘s fine!“, it wasn‘t.  
But you didn‘t want him to worry, it were your problems after all, not Blues.

You, on the other hand, noticed something odd about him too. He usually wore his signature battle body, sometimes, rarely he switched it for one of the tank tops he decorated himself. But today he was wearing a fuzzy looking jumper, old and worn, but warm and comfortable looking.

He usually couldn‘t stand it when Rus wore the same shirt a couple of days in a row, or if one of you wore clothes that had seen better days, always wanting to wash and sew them right away.

It was plain strange to see him wear something with holes in it, and stains that seemed to not have washed out completely.

And he was quiet. To quiet. He was always wiping his foot, always moving in some way, but now he was sitting still, almost slumped in his chair, eyes fixed on his plate. His pancakes had no glitter on them. His eyes strangely dim.

„Are you alright?“, Blue jerked up at that question, his face melting into a smile immediately.

„OF COURSE I AM ALRIGHT DATEMATE! I AM THE MAGNIFICIENT BLUE, AFTER ALL, I AM EXCELLENT AT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING BEING COMPLETLY ALRIGHT!“

You left it at that. His eye lights had turned up in brightness and he sat up straight in a fluid, fast motion. 

Yes, he was always alright. That‘s what you admired him for. Always smiling, always so positive and friendly, lifting everybody‘s mood by just being there.

You wished you could be like that...Your thoughts started to spiral downwards again.

A normal morning indeed.

______

 

Rus made his way into the kitchen, the flat empty already. He usually didn‘t see you two until Blue lunch break, which he actually started taking now that you three were a thing, and until the shop for handmade knick knacks and snacks closed for an hour after the midday rush, allowing you to come home for some time.

Rus himself wasn‘t doing much. 

Yes, he had four jobs. And yes he wasn‘t getting fired from any of them. But being able to teleport had its perks. A lot of perks actually. And most of his jobs where just sentry jobs, one was an illegal milk bun stand he opened at one of his stations.

He usually opened the stand somewhere in the afternoon, not a lot of customers came through that part of Hotland before that time anyway.

And the sentry jobs where easy. He didn‘t believe that a human would come through anytime soon. And even if one came through the Underground....what did it matter? 

He was honestly afraid of a human falling down here one day. The last soul. Monsters would be free. You all would leave, you all would see the sunshine, explore the surface and leave him behind. He was already only a burden, and he knew his apathy, the cold gnawing feeling, his laziness wouldn‘t just magically disappear after leaving the Underground.

He would just drag you all down like he already did. And why would anybody want to put up with that in a whole new world, where everything was exciting and sunny?

He mentally slapped himself for that thought, like he did every time when it crossed his mind. He couldn‘t stand himself already, but this selfish thought made him truly hate himself.  
How dared he so much as think about taking something like that from monster kind. Especially from the people he loved.

He sighed. He sighed a lot lately, it helped him clear his mind from his darkening thoughts for a moment and actually..do something. 

He grabbed the plate of now cold, charred pancakes out of the fridge, smiling as he saw his name written on it in edible glitter.

The pancakes tasted bland. But to him most foods tasted bland, everything was almost gray, nothing had a real flavor or smell to it. It was like he numbed his senses as he did with his soul, thoughts, and emotions.

He placed the plate in the sink, teleporting to his first station, leaning back for a nap and pretending that he had been there on time like he did every day.

He wondered if he would get caught one day.

Not that it mattered.

______

Blue was in Snowdin. And he was still beating himself up over the fact that he didn't noticed that he was still wearing his comfortable shirt. His me-time shirt. The shirt neither you nor Rus should know about. He clapped his hands together hard, the noise bringing him back from his thougths and to the small, snowy town he grew up in.

He had the sentry job there long before moving to New Home, and he didn‘t plan on getting a different one anytime soon.  
He still adored Snowdin, the small, comfy town, full of friendly people. And he still took his job there very seriously, it was the first line of defense again humans after all.

He was sure he would capture a human there one day, he would be the first one to see them, and then he would be not only popular but would have also done something good, something great, something magnificent!

Maybe then the voices in his head who told him that he wasn‘t good enough would stop.

Blue straightened his shirt with a huff. No time for this right now, he had things to do, puzzles to recalibrate, brothers to visit.

He visited his brother, on the way to his puzzles and to the part of the forest, he had to patrol, to check if Stretch was getting ready for work himself.  
Then he also visited on the way back home, sometimes staying for a few hours for some brotherly bonding, and sometimes chatted with him for a few moments while he went back to your flat for lunch break.

Blue dusted the Snow off of one of the tiles to his newest puzzle. Seems like there had been some recent snowfall, the entire puzzle covered in a fresh layer of white, cold powder.

And the tiles seemed to have frozen on the inside, the mechanism that was supposed to move them remaining static as Blue pressed down on one of the tiles. Alright, he knew how to fix that. He just had to thaw them, jiggle them free while he was melting the ice.

A small torch he hid deep inside the puzzle, for this kind of problem, helped there, the ice starting to drip the moment he pointed the flame on the frozen part.

It was really badly frozen too, his jiggling and melting barely helping, Blue slowly growing frustrated. This was such a simple problem, it happened all the time, he fixed it all the time. He could fix this when he just had started as a sentry, without any experience, that‘s how simple it was.

He tugged hard at the metal, unable to keep the frustration, the disappointment in himself, completely bottled up any longer. 

The piece of metal broke off.

Blue fell backward, dropping the torch and landing on his back, the piece still in his hand. And stayed there. He didn‘t move, didn‘t even breath. He just felt the small shock melt into a cold, empty feeling flooding his ribcage, covering his soul.

He stayed like this until his watch beeped, telling him it was time for his lunch break.

He hated to take his lunch break, he never felt like he deserved it.

______

You were at work already, a small, nice job with pretty good pay, you found in New Home sometime before you even met the boney men in your life.  
A small store, with friendly customers, that sold homemade goodies. Blankets, pillows, decoration, savory snacks, sweet snacks and some pottery. You stocked the shelves, helped in creating some of the snacks and knick-knacks, the owner helping you whenever you needed it, was it with sewing some of the soft items, or with baking some of the tasty ones.

But even though you enjoyed your job normally, the owner and customers so kind and warm, it felt more like spending time with close friends then actually working, you couldn‘t bring yourself to today.

You always had a problem with letting things go, no matter how long ago those happened, or if they already got resolved. You always felt a sting, and unpleasant feeling in your chest, in your soul whenever you remembered them, the memory just not wanting to fade.

One that was particularly troubling you this morning and noon, was from a run in you had a couple of days ago.  
A monster, a very rude monster kept asking you about different items you where selling at the shop, items you made by hand.

And they kept insulting every single one of them. You felt your confidence drop with each word, and it stung. It really stung. And they just kept going and going, until the store owner came back from a delivery and asked them to leave.

Days had passed now, and so many other customers have praised your work over that time. But those rude words stayed, just not wanting to leave your thoughts.

You kept remembering that incident so often, often starting imaginary discussions with that monster, or thinking of things you could have said or done, or why you were still so upset.  
Thinking about that just made you more upset, so that really didn‘t help.

And it was distracting you from your work, something you usually enjoyed doing, but not this time.

You often worried about not doing good enough, almost every day, but this job was something you were good at, something that made you feel like you actually did something worth doing. 

The voice in the back of your head still kept telling you that you didn‘t do your best at the end of the day, but whenever you looked at the shelves, filled with things you made, or at the clean room that you tidied up, you did feel like you at least did a good job.  
Maybe not your best, but still great.

The sound of breaking porcelain ripped you out of your thoughts.  
On the floor was one of the small, decorative vases you made together with the store owner, broken.  
You seemed to have knocked it over while stocking the shelf, to deep in thought to notice it there.

Would the owner be angry at you?  
You were already feeling terrible, and getting yelled on definitely wouldn‘t lift your mood.

Your gaze wandered to the door at the back of the shop as you heard steps approaching, the owner sticking his head through a gap in the door.

„Oh no, did you break something? Is everything alright or do you need a band-aid?“

He was always so nice.

Somehow that just made you feel worse.

______

Lunch Break.

Good.

Rus got up from the small chair he smuggled behind his sentry stand, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Today was a terrible day, everything just seemed off, felt wrong.  
He just drowned in self-pity and apathy, trying to get it all out until lunch, so neither you nor Blue would worry. He didn‘t want to worry you. He wasn‘t worth it.

He sighed for what felt the hundredths time today, and teleported home, stepping back into existence right in front of the front door to your apartment.

He was usually first, which gave him enough time to bottle up any stray feelings, any problems, numb his thoughts with a few minutes of Napstabots newest show or film.

It didn‘t take long and your arrival got announced by the jingling of keys, outside of the apartment. Rus turned his head, greeting you as you stepped inside.  
You were usually second, your workplace closer to home then Blues.

You plopped down next to Rus, he pulling you closer for a quick snuggle without a word.  
Usually, you laughed together about the strange antics Napstabot was up to in his newest show.

But today was not a good day.

Blue was last, like usually, you both turning around to greet him.  
You didn‘t expected to see him completely out of breath, sweating and carrying a small, plastic bag with what looked like fast food from Muffets.

He loved sweets, but hated alcohol, the taste too bitter and burning for him, so he usually stayed out of Muffets.  
He also rather cooked something himself, and avoid the sugar crash that usually came when he ate a lot of sweets.

„hey blue, got some muffets for us? we‘re outta groceries or somethin‘ ?“, Rus gaze followed Blue, who walked into the kitchen to place the food onto a few plates, carrying them into the living room.

„AH...UHM...YES! YES, WE ARE. AT LEAST FOR WHAT I PLANNED ON MAKING TODAY“, he gave you both the plates, loaded with the food you usually got at Muffet‘s, „RUS, WOULD YOU MIND GETTIN A FEW GROCERIES AFTER YOU SHIFT?“

Rus just nodded, mouth already glued to a bottle of bbq sauce with honey, the only kind Muffet sold.

You ate in silence to the sound of the TV, until you all had to leave again, parting with a quick hug, none of you feeling much better, but putting on a smile for the sake of the others.

Even if you just wanted to let it all out.

______

Blue ran back to his station in Snowdin.  
He usually jogged, sometimes walked, but he rarely sprinted his rather poor health, and low stamina making a long sprint rather hard on him.

But he had to.

Whenever he failed, whenever he felt like he messed up, he punished himself for it.  
It wasn‘t the classical kind of punishment. He didn‘t stand in time out or went to bed an hour earlier.

He rather pushed himself forward, even when he couldn‘t keep going anymore, not taking a break when he needed it, using energy he just simply didn‘t had left.

It wore him out, but the burning in his bones felt almost right to him. So he kept doing it.

He was glad that he decided to get Muffet‘s for lunch, feeling just to down to actually cook something himself. The sugar helped him to keep going, to keep running.

He arrived at the station, not allowing himself to sit, not allowing himself to take a rest he continued on to check on his puzzles again. He spend so much time just lying in the snow uselessly, just because a part broke off.

He would fix this puzzle today, even though he couldn‘t focus on anything, his head slightly spinning from the sugar and the exertion.

But he made it. He made it in time, fixed the puzzle, reattached the broken off piece and melted the ice. And even in time for his training session with Alphys.

He usually trained with her twice a week, trying to prove to her that he was ready to be a Royal Guardsman. At least at first. Now he also just enjoyed spending time with her, additional to trying to get closer to his dream job.

„Come on! Move those bones Blue!“

Alphys was as loud and active as every day, throwing herself at Blue from all directions, conjuring up magical axe attacks out of the floor and throwing them out of thin air.

Blue was usually a good dodger, even with his low stamina and health he still managed to put up quite a fight. But today just didn‘t work out in his favor.

He was already so tired from barely getting a shut eye for weeks now, so exhausted from running all the way from Snowdin to New Home and back, and now he was also crashing from his sugar high.

An axe hit him square in the chest before he could even register it hurling towards him, knocking him over onto the wet, rocky ground of Waterfall, where he stayed for a few moments, dazed and confused.

„Shit!“ 

Alphys was by his side instantly, shocked herself at what happened. The attack wasn‘t even strong, or fast, so easy to dodge, and yet it hit him straight on.  
Of course, there was no intention to kill or harm behind those attacks, Blue only getting a few minor scrapes and bruises, his HP barely falling by a few bits of a point. 

But it still hurt his pride.

„Maybe you should go home, for now, you seem kind of out of it“, Alphys scratched the back of her head while helping Blue back up to his feet. She was bad at gentle talk.

„That was such an easy peasy attack and we were only warming up! You're in no condition to fight.“

Outch.  
That really hurt. But it was true, it was an easy attack, it was a warm-up attack, he even saw it. But his brain didn‘t catch up with his eyes fast enough, he was just so tired.

He didn‘t even argue, walking back home defeated and humiliated.  
How could he fail so badly? And in front of Alphys too.

The moment he was out of sight, he started running again. He had to be stronger, had to be better, he didn‘t deserve a break. He...

Blue collapsed face first into the mud, not even a few minutes later.

______

Your afternoon shift went alright. Your mood was actually starting to lift.

You made a replacement for the broken vase together with the shop owner, he wasn‘t angry about it, he didn‘t want you to replace the broken vase. He even gave you some candy he always carried with himself to cheer you up.

At least it went alright at first.

The owner just went out for a quick break himself, not being able to leave the store while you went out for lunch since he didn‘t want to close it completely, he always took his lunch break right after yours.

And of course, that was the moment the rude monster from now almost a week ago decided to pay another visit to the store, waltzing in like everything should be already forgotten and forgiven.

You sighed, that was really not something you needed today, your heart beating slightly faster as you approached the customer with a forced smile, your thoughts racing downwards again.  
Are they just here to criticize again?

„Oh, hello. I‘ve been here a few days ago, but this terribly rude man asked me to leave. But I saw him leave the store earlier, so I decided to pay another visit.“

They looked around their mouth in a frown.

„You really need my good taste and sharp eye here, this store is really filled to the brim with junk.“

Great. They lurked in front of the store so they could come in and bad mouth every item again, without being interrupted by your boss.  
Just great.

They shuffled past you, grabbing the next best thing, a pillow you made yesterday, a work you were actually proud of.

„Ugh, terrible.“

They threw it back, carelessly, their words stabbing you in the soul like a knife. Was it really that terrible?  
You put so much work into it....

They continued to shamble through the store, picking up random items, sometimes a vase, sometimes a small figurine, sometimes another pillow or a bag of homemade cookies.  
And each of the wares was apparently complete garbage in their eyes.

Each of their words send you closer to your breaking point.  
This day was already bad enough from start to finish, not even lunch with two of your favorite people managed to cheer you up. And now this.

They picked up a little bag with a handmade snack mix, raising their upper lip and wrinkling their nose.

„Who would buy such...things.“

That‘s it.  
That was your breaking point. The disgust that dripped off the word that they used to describe something you actually put effort into making. Something that made you feel like you accomplished something, even though you often felt the opposite.

Another sign that you would never be good enough, no matter how hard you tried. It would never be good enough.

You burst into tears, you just couldn‘t help it, running out of the store, past your boss and back home.  
You couldn‘t even get some words out, just running away, not even able to apologize for leaving early.

You stopped running after a few streets, walking slowly through the smaller alleys, where fewer people would see you cry.  
You sat on a bench a few minutes away from your flat until the tears finally stopped.

You were not good enough, not strong enough, you didn‘t want to drag that back home with you.

Blue and Rus didn‘t deserve having to deal with your problems.  
They shouldn‘t worry.

______

Rus walked into the cool supermarket, a nice change to the warmth of New Home. Living in dry, dark, stoney buildings right next to Hotland had its price, after all, the streets where always summer-warm.

The store wasn‘t too big, but also not very small. You couldn‘t find any exotic things here, but it had what you needed and a bit more. Rus usually got his crocs here.

He looked at the list in his hands:  
\- Taco Shells  
\- Noodles (‘Family Size‘)  
\- Vegetables (Tomato, salad, paprika)  
\- Minced Meat  
\- Sauce (The one with the blue lid)  
\- Cigarettes  
\- Chips  
\- Ice Tea  
And scrawled at the bottom, in clearly Blues handwriting.  
\- Icecream, and no cigarettes!

Rus couldn't help but smile at that.

He was searching through the different noodles, trying to find the large family sized box as a small voice to his right asked for his attention.  
He turned around, box in hand.

„Hey, mister! Why are you buying the family sized one? You don‘t look like you have a family.“

Ouch, kid, what the hell? Rus raised his brows at that.

„what do i look like then?“

„You look....bored. And tired. And mean! You haven‘t even said hi to the cashier. I always say hi!“

Rus sighed. He never said hi when entering, the cashier sat so far away from the door, he would have to scream.  
But he did great them when paying for his stuff.

„well, i do have a family, and now I have to buy this noodles, bye kid.“

Weird little asshole. He just heard him shuffle off to another customer, asking him about why she was buying such a small bottle of tomato sauce.  
That kid seemed to be really bored.

But did he really look..bored? And tired? And mean?  
Damn, couldn‘t he even manage to just look neutral.  
He wondered if any of you two have noticed?

You probably had, even some randoms kid did after all. He was already so lazy and good for nothing, and now he was also apparently visibly gloomy and melancholic.  
He couldn‘t understand how you and Blue could stand being around him.

Rus groaned quietly as he noticed that he lost the shopping list. Absolutely terrific.  
He can‘t remember a thing he was supposed to buy, and some random ass kid distracted him enough to make him screw up the whole shopping trip.

„not really the kids fault now, is it...“, Rus mumbled under his breath, as he tried to remember at least one more thing he was supposed to buy.  
Stupid brain of his, not only did it make him feel terrible at all times, it couldn‘t even remember a damn shopping list.

He gave up after less then a minute, like he gave up on everything and walked to the checkout, defeated.

He just had to screw everything up, didn‘t he?

______

Back at home, the air was thick enough to be sliced with a knife. And it wasn‘t the fact that you only had small windows, the air getting stale pretty fast in the apartment, and barely any fresh one coming in.

It was the fact that both you and Rus were slowly sinking into a hole of guilt, self pity and depression.  
Blue on the other hand was busing himself in the kitchen, bringing you blankets and tea, and whatever else he could find, asking you if you two are alright, if there is something he could do.

It was making you two honestly just feel worse. You both didn‘t want to burden the others with your problems, and being coddled and comforted that way just felt like you failed at keeping things hidden under a smile.

Rus was deep in thought, his vision dark at the edges as he stared into his cup, about to just scream, desperately trying to dive back into apathy, but unable to do so.  
He didn‘t feel like he deserved anything Blue was doing for him, he failed at such a simple task, he keeps burdening you two with his gloomy mood.  
He was about to just scream and run.

You were still holding back tears, trying not to cry in front of Rus and Blue, unable to forget the encounter with the customer, the way you just pushed past your boss, tearing yourself apart over the days events, and past events that always resurfaced when you were already feeling terrible.  
You just wanted to be alone and cry.

You both were about to just run, hide and drown in your misery as...

Suddenly a breaking sound filled the air.

Both you and Rus got torn out of your dark, darker yet darker thoughts, looking into the direction of the kitchen, where Blue stood in the doorway.  
A broken cup was on the floor in front of him, Blue looking at it, unmoving, not blinking, not making a sound.

Then he hiccuped. Then he hiccuped again, this time louder.  
Suddenly Blue was crying. Full on crying, big tears running down his skull as he wailed loudly into his hands.

You and Rus froze in shock. You have never seen Blue cry. You have never seen him truly mad either. He was always smiling, even when he frowned at something, the frown always melted into a smile.  
You both always admired how Blue was always so happy, always so motivated, never letting anything keep him down.

As you watched him run out of the flat, slamming the door behind him, you realized that all of you have been hiding your problems.  
All of you where putting on a fake smile from time to time.

 

______

„well....i think we all have some things to talk ‘bout..“ Rus scratched the back of his head, still looking at the closed door, the first one to say something after Blues breakdown.

Of course Rus didn‘t wanted to talk about his problems. But he wanted you and Blue to be happy. And he was always good at weaseling out of things, so he would just excuse himself after letting you two cry at his shoulder.  
There had to be something he was good for after all.

You just nodded, still shell-shocked at what just happened.

„We have to find him! He could be all over the Underground if we don‘t hurry“, Blue was a fast runner, you have seen it yourself. If you wanted to catch up, you had to leave immediately.

Rus took your hand.

„i‘ve got a pretty good idea where he could be, honey“

You faded out of existence, and back in again, noticing that Rus was right, seeing Blue sit on a stone by one of Waterfalls many rivers, feet dangling in the water, sniffles filling the air.  
A cave in Waterfall, a small, secluded one.  
One you sometimes went to when you wanted to be alone.

And apparently you were not the only one.

Rus led you over to Blue, you both sitting down on opposite sides of him.  
He didn‘t look up, his gaze pointed downwards, his eye sockets still wet.

And you all stayed like this, quiet, watching the Water reflect on the stone around you.

„I‘M....I‘M SORRY. I SHOULDN‘T HAVE CRIED BECAUSE OF A BROKEN CUP. AND I SHOULDN‘T HAVE RUN AWAY LIKE THAT“, Blue wiped at his eye sockets,“THAT WASN‘T VERY MAGNIFICIENT OF ME..“

Rus patted him on the shoulder.  
„it‘s ok blueberry“, Blue threw him a slightly dirty glance, like he didn't every time Rus called him that. But at least there was a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.“i think we all have some things that kept pillin‘ up over time.“

 

„Yeah, I think you‘re right“, you looked over to the two boney man,“Should we....I dunno...Talk about it..?“  
Man that was awkward. But you wanted Blue to feel better. And Rus. You have noticed him slouching more then normally, look more tired then usually.  
You just didn‘t wanted to talk about your own problems.

Blue looked at both you and Rus.  
He had noticed you two being down lately. He tried fixing it with affection and tea. But maybe talking wasn‘t such a bad idea.  
He just hoped he could avoid talking about his outburst.

He nodded, Rus holding both your hands as you teleported back home, all three of you trying to come up with a way to avoid talking about your feelings, your insecurities, your problems, while still helping the other two.

______

You plopped down on the couch, Rus taking a deep breath as he looked around.

„ey, made it back in one piece..“

You..didn‘t even wanted to ask if there was a possibility of not making it back whole and unharmed.

„So...uhm...“, you tried to find your words, but man this was awkward. How did you even start such a conversation?  
„So, uhm...Blue?“

Blue flinched a bit. Maybe he could keep most things to himself mostly? But he was still trying to hold back tears, just not able to bottle things back up.

„UHM....I....I MAY.....“, he looked around, not meeting your eyes, his feet patting fast on the floor.

„I MAY NOT FEEL SO..MAGNIFICIENT MOST OF THE TIME...“

Rus had leaned back on the couch, attention fixed on Blue, face slack and calm. „why?“

Blue tried to bottle things up again. He really did. But today was just the straw to break the camels back, and he burst out into tears again. He couldn‘t keep smiling all the time anymore. He just couldn‘t.

„I DON‘T KNOW...I JUST CAN‘T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!"; Rus was patting his back gently, while you were rubbing his thigh.

„I JUST KEEP MESSING UP MY PUZZLES, I FAILED AT TRAINING WITH ALPHYS! I DON‘T EVEN TAKE BREAKS ANYMORE, AND I STILL FAIL!“, Blue buried his face in his hands. Now that he started, he couldn‘t stop.

„AND THOSE....THOSE TERRIBLE DREAMS! ALL THE TIME! I DON‘T EVEN REMEMBER THEM, AND THEY STILL WON'T LET ME SLEEP!"

His shoulders slumped, leaning into your touch. 

„I‘M..I‘M...I‘m just so tired....“

You sat in silence, giving Blue time to calm down again.  
Finally, Rus was the first to speak up.

„hey, buddy...i know those dreams can be pretty..scary. but you need your sleep. like, trust me, i'm the nap master.“ Rus patted him on the head, “and you can ‘lways wake me up when you can‘t fall asleep again. i sleep way to much, ‘nyway.“

You turned Blue head gently towards you. 

„You‘re good at so many things! You are so fast, and you‘re puzzles are really complicated, and amazing! You can‘t push yourself that hard, everybody can make mistakes. It‘s ok. Just take a break and clear your head, and then do it again.“

You hugged him briefly, before giving him a watery smile, receiving a smile of the same caliber in return.

„Alphys always compliments you on your fighting, and she takes breaks to.“

„i‘ve seen it with my own, skulking eyes.“

„I...I GUESS I SHOULD TAKE SOME TOO THEN...“

Blue wiped the tears from his face, taking a long, deep breath.  
His problems where still there, there was still that nagging voice in the back of his head that told him he wasn‘t good enough, that he didn‘t deserve breaks, that he was to weak.  
But this was a start.  
And starting was already half the battle.

Blue looked at you, noticing the faint tear mark on your face, like he already did before, and the wetness in the corners of your eyes.

„BUT NOW IT‘S YOUR TURN, DATEMATE“, he grinned at you, halfheartedly.

„yes honey, you seem pretty down yourself.“

You sighed. Seems like there was no way around this.

„I...I don‘t like myself very much.“

It was so hard to start, but even harder to keep going.

„take your time sugar.“

„I..I just... I don‘t...I don‘t think I actually do a good job. At all.“, you shifted uncomfortably in your seat, tears already starting to spill, which just made you more antsy.

„Like....I try. I actually try. But I just feel like I...don't...I don‘t put my all into it. That I could...that I should put so much more effort into it. And that I just..don't do it.“

Rus was now rubbing both yours and Blues back, while Blue was clinging to you like a warm, pillowy koala. 

„I can never let go of things that happened in the past...and...and..“

You took a short pause, just breathing, just collecting your thoughts.

„I don‘t feel like I‘m actually good enough. And no matter what I do I will never be...and I feel like such a terrible person, because I..I just could do so much more each day, I never do my best!“

„pardon my french here sweety, but that‘s bullshit.“

Well, that was a pretty straightforward way of saying that.

„not to sound creepy or somethin‘, but i‘ve watched you. you put in so much effort into things. even if you don‘t see it yourself.“

He patted you on the back, a bit more firmly now, with a smile.

„look at you. you feel down yourself, but you still helped comfort blue. you get haunted by past events, but you still keep goin‘. of course you can‘t do your best every second of your life, nobod‘ can do that.“

„YES, LIKE YOU SAID YOURSELF! TAKE A BREAK AND CLEAR YOUR HEAD. AND THEN YOU CAN KEEP GOING!“

You smiled at that. Got you with your own words there.

„AND IF YOU NEED To TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT JUST DON‘T WANT TO LET YOU GO. WE ARE ALWAYS HERE!“

„an‘ even though we got no ears, we can still listen pretty well.“

„JUST ALWAYS LOOK AT WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISHED TODAY. EVEN SMALL THINGS ARE ALREADY AMAZING!“

„yeah. I do the same. for example, i took a nap today.“

„RUS, NO! DON‘T ENCOURAGE NAPS!“

„yeah, ok, i also went grocery shoppin‘.“

You laughed quietly and watery. Those two always cheered you up.

Now there was only one left who hasn‘t spilled any beans yet.  
And this one was slowly removing himself from the couch.

„RUS, YOU‘RE STAYING HERE!“

Wow, Blue could sound very commanding if he wanted to. It made you sit up straighter immediately, like a reflex. 

„aw, damn, guys i‘m fine.“

„NOW YOU ARE NOT!“

„yeah i am.“

„NO! NOW COME HERE!“

Rus sat down again, with an unenthusiastic plop.

Blue looked him deep in the eyes, long, firm and unblinking, before slowly taking him into a hug.

Blue lowered his voice, „It‘s ok Rus...Everything is ok. Just relax. Everything will be fine.“

Rus started trembling slightly, his jaw working, grinding his teeth together.

„It‘s ok. We are here for you.“

Rus hid his head in Blues shoulder.

"Just let go.."

It only took this few words, and Rus came completely apart in Blues arms.

He couldn‘t remember when he cried the last time. He always rather let himself drown in apathy and sleep then actually emote in any way.

But you couldn‘t keep things locked up forever.

It took him time to calm down again, at least enough to talk. His voice was hoarse and muffled by Blues shoulder.

„i...i don‘t really ‘now where to start here..“

You had wrapped around Rus from the other side, you all turning into a sandwich of flesh, bones and fabric.

„everything is just....gray. nothin‘ really matters..especially i don‘t matter...i just..i...i just..“

He took a shuddering breath.

„i just don‘t know why i‘m even here. nobody needs me.“

Blue was crying again, as where you. This was a very emotional evening all in all, but you all deserved to finally let go.

„I NEED YOU! WE BOTH NEED YOU! AND YOUR BROTHER NEEDS YOU TOO!"

„Yes, and you matter to us! Maybe not to everybody out there, but you matter to us, and to your friends and family! We all love having you around so much!“

„i...i know...but...i don‘t know. it‘s hard to remember those things.“

„THEN WE WILL REMIND YOU!“

„Me too!“

Rus snort laughed into Blues shoulder. 

„guess i have to return the favor, and remind you to take breaks and that you are doing great, don‘t i?“

„IT‘S A DEAL! WE ALL REMIND EACH OTHER THAT WE ARE ALL MAGNIFICIENT!“

„Deal.“

„deal.“

A good cry, a talk and a promise to look out for each other were a good start, you all yawning in unison, with a slightly lighter soul, even though your problems still lingered in the back of your heads.

But you all felt better nonetheless. Not perfect, not amazing, but better.  
Rus teleported you all to bed, not saying a word, and making you both yelp as you piled onto the mattress. 

You snuggled up to each other, intertwining your limbs, holding onto each other, surrounded by pillows, covered in blankets.

You drifted off to sleep.

______

You spend the next day together.  
Alphys forced Blue to take a day off, somebody who lived in Waterfall saw him collapse yesterday, and Alphys didn‘t liked to hear that.  
Your boss gave you a day off too, to apologize for not being there to help you with the very rude customer.  
Who was also not allowed in the shop anymore.

And Rus...well. Rus was Rus. He could take breaks every five minutes, porting to his station for a few moments from time to time, to change the „be right back sign“ to a new one of the same kind.

You spend the day at a funfair in Snowdin, Sans seeing it on one of his patrols not long ago, and suggesting to go there.

It was...Good.

You all put your problems aside for a day, allowing each other to ignore those things for one more day, to just relax and have fun.

You rode the roller coaster, Rus fell asleep in one of the kiddy rides, Blue got himself so many stuffed animals at the rigged, and now not so rigged anymore, stands, and you tried out different rides, riding the ones that you really liked a couple of times.  
And of course you dragged the skeleton boys into each of them too.  
You were there to have fun after all.

As the fair slowly closed, and the light was getting dimmer, you got onto the fairies wheel all together, sitting in the seat, cuddled together, and warm, high up in the air.

You promised to talk to each other if something was wrong, not to bottle things up anymore.

„We can all have our secrets, but we shouldn‘t keep things that upset us to ourselves anymore.“

„yeah.“

Things weren‘t alright yet, but they would be one day.

 

 

That night you all fell asleep, feeling better then in weeks, knowing that you all had each others backs.


End file.
